Embracing Me

I don't write about it much (and I never TALK about it) but, like many folks I know, I have body image issues. I am not the long and lean basketball babe I longed to be when growing up. And no matter where I fall on the BMI scale, I will never be long and lean.

I am ... vertically challenged ... and ... well endowed, so they say. Curvy is how Wonder Dad puts it. I like his description best.

But I like to eat, you see. I eat for comfort. I eat to celebrate. I eat to mourn. I eat when I'm bored. I eat ... well ... whenever.

It's not a healthy pattern. And heaven help me, I am trying to help create DIFFERENT patterns for our dear Wonder Boy. But that's a post for another day. Today I'm talking about me.

Over the last year, I have managed to slim down, dropping 50 lbs so far. That's something to celebrate, right?!

My clothes fit better. I am once again able to do pullups unassisted (even weighted!). My clothes all fit big. And, at almost 44 years of age, I am wearing smaller sizes than I did in high school.

To top it off, my doctor tells me I'm in MUCH better health than this time last year. The fat deposits in my liver tests are gone. My blood pressure has dropped back down to healthy levels. My blood sugar looks fine. And my cholesterol has remained at a healthy level (thanks to genetics, this one was never really an issue).

So why am I not thrilled when I look in the mirror?

My better half, Wonder Dad, looks at me like he did when we first met. He tells me loudly and often how great I look.

I'm not fishing for compliments, but honestly, I have trouble seeing it.

And it's hard to not fall into old patterns when I don't see what he sees. To get frustrated with my own perception of how I look and to seek comfort in salty, fatty, sugary food. *sigh*

I am trying VERY HARD to rely on his judgement and that of others around me. I am trying to focus on the fact that I FEEL better as my internal guide.

I am back on the judo mat. We are jogging again (& my knees and feet are not screaming at me). I have more energy than I have had in years. And I enjoy shopping - at least a bit more than in the past.

In fact, Wonder Dad took me shopping this past weekend for new work clothes. I do not enjoy shopping for myself (though I *love* to shop for my guys). But I actually had fun this weekend. I blushed as Wonder Dad whistled when I came out of the dressing room, in that wonderful way I used to redden when he would greet me for a date. And it felt good to look at styles that I would have run from just a few months ago.

I'm not sure I've made any kind of a point with this post. But I've written something about how I struggle with this area of my life.

I'm making SOME kind of progress. Right?